you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
