Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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