My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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