You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
