I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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