be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i will never coherently bang her
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
