Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
