Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
