I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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