So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
