Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
