the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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