Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
