So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
