1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
