I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
