i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
