Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize