better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
