OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
