you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
