my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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