I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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