All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
