Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
