I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sext me about skeletons
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
