mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
