my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
