Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
