I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
