shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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