for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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