I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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