This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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