Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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