Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
