and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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