DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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