After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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