You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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