Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
