I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
