Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
