So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
