We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
