I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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