i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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