so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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