just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
