Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
