Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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