I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
