2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
