all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
