Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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