He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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