she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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