I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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